Underachievers Anon

I bought a book the other day in the hope that it would help me understand my son, and I met myself.

I think that it was last year at this time when I stood in my kitchen one morning and was hit with the following epiphany: It was not going to be possible to do all the things I want to do in this stage of life the way I want to do them. This was my list:

1. Keep house clean.
2. Feed husband and family well (meaning making good, healthy meals regularly)
3. Keep self fit
4. Spend time with kids in activities both educational and extremely exciting.
5. Be good friend to all friends.

Not a smidge unreasonable, right?

At that time we were eating out more than I can admit and still post this with any shred of dignity. The house was so dusty I had to sit down on the sofa quite gingerly so as not to aggravate my allergies. I was letting the daughter watch more TV than I would allow myself to watch - but I was exercising every day and lifting weights and strength training and feeling great. Everything else was a mess.
The cycle reversed as the home situation became impossible to ignore any longer. I stopped exercising and we all ate better, the house was not any better but I spent time with daughter (after the 2 weeks of TV withdrawal symptoms she experienced).
And so I have cycled through and around in any variation of some things ignored completely, some things done well, and a constant nagging sense that I was not measuring up to what I should be able to do as a mother with a daughter in preschool two mornings a week and a son in school full time and no other gainful employment.

Simultaneously, I have been in the midst of a long (years long) decision process as related to G's educational future. (Well, for next year at least) I have done countless hours of research about homeschooling and curriculum. I have talked to elementary teachers that I know and trust. I have talked to G's teacher that he has had for two years now. The husband and I have discussed it at long, long length. I have bored many friends talking through my thoughts aloud. I have been at a long standstill lately, so fearful of moving forward and deciding anything final.

I wandered through the bookstore on Friday, children both at school, and I had another epiphany of sorts. I was having difficulty moving forward with this decision because I don't really know my son that well. I don't understand him, his mind, the way he learns - him related to education well enough to take on doing it myself.

There have been these fragments of realization throughout Kindergarten and 1st grade - he struggles with some aspects of dyslexia. Although he has catapulted into the world of readers at this point, he definitely has some phoenetic processing difficulties. Rhymes and sounds of words do not process in his head the way they should. He does not remember words of songs easily - rhyming endings do not prompt him as to the next line coming. He has difficulty organizing details and information. These things, in a certain form of direction or to-do lists, overwhelm him into inaction and frustration as indicated by his backpack stuffed full of crumpled papers, his desk stuffed full of papers, his mind stuffed full of snippets of information.

His parent teacher conferences are like time warps for me. I sit and as his teacher begins to trace her finger through his marks, through his math work and writing journal; I am a child again. I remember the same words, repeated about me year after year, average grade after average grade. "Jessica is such a bright girl, her grades and effort are not what they should be considering her abilities. She is often calling out in class, talking to the students around her and distracting her classmates."

I feel small as I hear my son described this same way. I feel the helpless shame all coming back. I want to do better for him. I know how it feels to feel as if speaking out or talking to friends nearby is absolutely impossible to resist. I know how changing the teacher's or parent's perception seems so impossible that applying myself to the daily busy work feels useless in light of a larger, looming, unattainable goal of approval. Making the other students laugh is easy, immediate, feeds a desire for acceptance, makes him feel better about himself. I understand it. I understand him, in part.

I am out of time in the bookstore and as I hurry out a book catches my eye.
The Unmotivated Child
Willing myself to buy it, despite what I could save buying it from Amazon, I am already reading it in line.

So, he's an underachiever. He knows that he is capable of the work, but sees no reason to perform well through the daily desk work. He doesn't view his work as a reflection of his capabilites, doesn't want to be judged for what he produces, and therefore avoids truly investing in anything that could be subject to scrutiny (read: criticism). He is insecure of his position among his peers and seeks to please them primarily, driven by their acceptance and approval to a better self-image. Education does not factor into his survival mechanisms at all. He is driven by his peers. Learning is inadvertant, accidental, something he tolerates because of the socializing opportunities he is afforded. Oh, he does enough to get things done, avoid punishment, or earn extra play time - but doing anything to show what he is capable of is not considered. He doesn't care that each little paper adds up to a picture of him as a student.

But, what I really learn is that I am an underachiever. I have always had an inkling that this was the case; but back to my list. I wanted to do everything perfectly, or it wasn't worth doing. How can I make this huge decision to homeschool my underachieving son - when I am my own mess of underachievement? How can I risk epic failure with something so important? I was only a senior seminar from finishing my MEd and still doubt my competence to spend a year teaching my son 2nd grade? Do I have a shred of self-confidence?

I know that doing parts of my list, imperfectly, is a worthwhile venture. It is the point. Parenting imperfectly is still worth doing despite the days that feel like epic disasters. It is the point. G is a big picture, an entire life that I get to be a big part of for a time. The real question is, fear of failure or imperfection aside, what are the details worth persisting through with him? What is the point?